It's been three months since I left my staff job to hop onto the crisis assignment train. How could I not? My coworkers were leaving left and right- some of them retiring early, others looking for higher offers. The hospital I was at, although still drowning due to lack of staff, has already recovered from its covid run. I told myself, I already helped. It's time for me to help other cities. Or probably I'm just trying to rationalize why I left. I don't know. Maybe. It can be my impulsiveness, too. I don't know. Maybe. Or the money. More like it, to be honest.
At the time, it felt like I didn't have anything to lose, really. It was just me and my fear of the unknown.
What if they cancel my assignment last minute? What if the hospital I'd be assigned to is terrible? What if go and I fail? What if my skills are not good enough? What if I'm not as brave as I thought I am?
There were doubts, for sure. I was walking my dog one late evening and asked myself- What do I really want to accomplish? What is my mission? What am I here to do? What makes me happy? And then in my most humbling breath, I uttered- well, first of all, I need money to be where I want to be. Masters is expensive so I had to pause it for a year. I didn't want to loan my way out of it. My dog requires expensive maintenance but I love him so much to let him go. ME time requires money and boy I really need those body massages because I ain't getting any younger. Aging and scoliosis don't go well together, believe me! Giving back and helping others also need money. It's not the sad truth, it's just how it is. It's time to let pride go and hustle my way up.
Why did I stay as a regular staff anyway? Because my director tells me I'm brilliant? Because I trained many nurses and it's hard to let them go? Because I was the charge nurse already? Because they put so much trust in me and it makes me feel valued? Lol I'm kinda chuckling while typing this because I realized---if they truly knew my value, they would have given me enough reason to stay: better compensation, benefits, more PTOs- anything that would have lured me back in.
But life happens. Sometimes, you have to move forward for your own good. For your professional growth, for your benefit. Nobody's saving me. I'm saving myself and freeing my soul in the process.
It was December 5th when I called Krucial Staffing. I was on queue for two hours before a representative answered my call. Others say it was luck that I was able to get in on first try. I say it was destiny, as cheesy as it sounds. I flew to Odessa, Texas the next day and never looked back since. Almost 3 months since I filed my resignation letter, there's still no regret in sight. How could there be? I am now debt free (not that I owe too much, it's mostly credit cards) and have savings enough for those rainy days. I'm presently constructing my dream home, and making sure my bibi Ghost has a huge backyard where we can play fetch. Perfect location, too, as it is close to a pet park and lakes which he and I love.
YES there are good opportunities and great paychecks that come with crisis assignments. I won't deny that. But it's not the sole reason I'm staying. I'm naturally introverted but I like being social with people I like. In those mundane days, I met lifetime friends. There's one particular person who kept me going. He reminded me to dream again, to set new goals, to reach for the stars even though it sounds crazy to some. He made those tiring days so fulfilling and justified. I'm grateful because I know God is looking after me, and He's using people as his instruments like always. Best orchestrator, indeed. I still have more seeds to plant, more grains to eat, more soil to toil, more mornings to drag myself to.
Working 13 hours for six days a week sounds insane in healthcare, especially in the ICU. The doctors would tell me to rest and stop working. Some of the hospital's regular crew are asking--- Is it worth it?
And I would always second guess my answer.
How can you quantify worth anyway? How do you tell them you're way more financially secured than you were just a few months ago? How do you tell them that hotel living sucks and not as luxurious as it seems? How do you tell them it's hard and demanding and would suck the life out of you without sounding ungrateful? How do you describe the lack of sleep and the everyday fatigue that's wiped out the moment Friday payday hits?
I guess I'm just going to show them how our days go. I usually wake up at 5:30am. Shower. Put my make up on. Put some scrubs on I ironed the night before. I make sure I bring my envo mask. Then run my way down the stairs to steal some breakfasts prepared by the hotel staff. And because the company I'm working for provides a bus, everybody leaves at 6:30. You can't be late, otherwise, they'll send you home or demobilize you as they call it. For the whole deployment assignment, you only have 1 sick day. In my three months of stay, I've never used it. I don't know how I did it but I only know one thing---- it is by God's grace that I'm still here, serving, and grinding my way through this whole thing.
If you asked me three months ago if I would've predicted where I am right now, my response would be straight out: no clue.
But here I am, in my scrubs most of the time, always tired, sleepy, and probably dehydrated, still going to work every day that I'm needed. It's not a smooth ride. There are questions I have yet to answer. My self-esteem still in the works. My nursing judgement still challenged from time to time. Probably cried happy and sad tears because patients recover and some of them unfortunately die. Still feeling frustrations toward people who don't wear masks and a government that only cares when it's beneficial to the economy.
PS. I originally wrote this on March 7th. However, on March 23rd, I was finally demobilized. COVID cases are slowing, and we're all grateful! We survived, some patients made it, and I'm pretty sure we're totally different people than when we first rode the wave. Thank you, Krucial, for a memory of a lifetime. To all the victims of this pandemic- dead or alive- my heart goes out to all of you.
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